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Some of you may have seen the mediation in Wedding Crashers. For those of you that didn’t, you can see it along with some negotiation advice in my post about Wedding Crashers Negotiation and Mediation Lessons.
I saw an article by sports writer Kevin Hench about a hypothetical mediation with Tiger Woods and his wife about their prenuptial negotiations, with Wedding Crashers as the backdrop. I thought it was interesting, and thought you might enjoy.
The Florida Highway Patrol has issued a $164 citation to Tiger Woods for careless driving, meaning the incident will cost Tiger roughly $80,000,164.
Suddenly Vanessa Bryant’s $4 million diamond ring seems kinda chintzy.
Tiger’s “transgressions” have brought about a hasty renegotiation of his prenuptial agreement with wife Elin Nordegren that will quadruple the originally agreed upon $20 million as long as she sticks it out for another couple of years. So how did the sides arrive at this new figure, roughly halfway between Kobe’s bejeweled “my bad” and Michael Jordan’s reported $150 million settlement with ex-wife Juanita?
Channeling the opening mediation scene from Wedding Crashers, we now try to piece together how that negotiation might have gone down.
Tiger and his attorney sit on one side of the table in the family dining room, Elin and hers on the other. A mediator sits at the head of the table. You can cut the tension with a 1-iron.
Mediator: Okay, gang, let’s get started. I am here to mediate. Like Rocco. (Nothing.) Rocco Mediate? Anyone? No? All right, uh, I believe Mr. Woods’ attorney has an opening statement.
Tiger’s attorney: What my client does for a living, what he does better than anyone else in the world, is by its very nature a monotonous occupation. Literally working for hours upon hours to replicate the exact same swing over and over. In his field, variety is not good. Metronomic consistency is what makes him the best. We do not feel it is reasonable to then ask him to enter into that same level of monotony in his personal life.
Mediator: Really? That’s your opening move?
Ms. Nordegren’s attorney: So, for the record, Mr. Woods views life with the mother of his children as “monotonous.” Tedious, if you will. In light of this, we would ask that the original prenuptial agreement be augmented by $5 million.
Mediator: Yeah, that sounds about right. (Aside to Tiger and his attorney.) Word to the wise, monotonous and monogamous may share a Greek root, but you use them interchangeably at your own peril.
Ms. Nordegren’s attorney: Furthermore, it has come to my client’s attention that her husband’s extra-marital dalliances began while she was pregnant, a violation of their marital vows so egregious we believe it merits an additional $10 million to the original agreement.
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